I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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