Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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