i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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