im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I need to stop coming to work sober
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
