..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
