I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
