Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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