Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
