I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
