Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
we're making bets on your personal life
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
