I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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