New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
