he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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