I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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