I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
