ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I just googled if crying burns calories
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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