dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
