woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
