I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Did I show you my penis last night?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
