My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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