just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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