This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
