I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
