Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
