Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
