So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
