You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
