I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
