i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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