i wish my penis had a tongue
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
