my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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