at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
