Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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