My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
