how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
