mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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