I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
