I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
