ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
