I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
