I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
