K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
