He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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