Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
