Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
