im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
