The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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