Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
