so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
