It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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