You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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