I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Walk of Shame today included voting.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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